novapirate
08-23-2010, 01:07 AM
Alright, so I'm assuming this is your first time making an RP thread. Good for you! Now to the bad part: this isn't a very good RP thread. There's a lot of errors with it, and I'm going to methodically go through them and tell you what you did wrong, and how to fix it. Bear with me here, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to help you.
Organization:
Simply said, this thread has very little organization. Organization makes threads much easier to read, and a lot more formal looking. Right now it's just a mish-mash of paragraphs thrown together. It's functional, but it is most certainly not preferable for a potential RPer.
The most basic and most common formatting used for organization is bolded titles, followed by whatever information.
Simply, each day could be hell or not, either way this girl had the hell, her day started good, but she had to see a graveyard because he friend needed to go there, they dropped flowers upon a grave that had the name of Sarah Plockings 1956-2009 her mother got sick and died, they saw this woman pass by, about 60 to 50, her head had a huge cut as she walked by she bumped Into the girl's friend "Get out of my way, get out of my way" that woman screamed, "Mom?" the girl replied the woman walked away with her pale skin, her eyes were full of dust, the two girls heard moaning they saw another pale person, but male the male attacked, even though they got away, one was bit by the crazy male, the friend was bit by that man she passed out while that happened she got her to the car and put her In the front seat, another man came out In a suit he looked scared what not, the girl screamed asking If he knew what was going on, he started to moan. The girl was scared, driving the car away out of the graveyard, she was even more scared because those things started to follow, the girl was a very unlucky girl.
There's the story, refrence to night of the living dead, also.
Anyway, basic rp rules, even though this Is horror, no saying stuff like "Anna, your leg Is cut bleeding very hard the blood Is gushing!" big no to that, simply just say anna had a cut on her leg or something.
Basic sheet also.
...
This is your thread without any extra formatting added. As previously said, it is a functional, but not preferable, jumble of paragraphs with no rhyme or reason. When you're working with longer posts and the reader needs to find information quickly this kind of jumble makes it very frustrating. Now, this is your first post with organization.
Plot:
Simply, each day could be hell or not, either way this girl had the hell, her day started good, but she had to see a graveyard because he friend needed to go there, they dropped flowers upon a grave that had the name of Sarah Plockings 1956-2009 her mother got sick and died, they saw this woman pass by, about 60 to 50, her head had a huge cut as she walked by she bumped Into the girl's friend "Get out of my way, get out of my way" that woman screamed, "Mom?" the girl replied the woman walked away with her pale skin, her eyes were full of dust, the two girls heard moaning they saw another pale person, but male the male attacked, even though they got away, one was bit by the crazy male, the friend was bit by that man she passed out while that happened she got her to the car and put her In the front seat, another man came out In a suit he looked scared what not, the girl screamed asking If he knew what was going on, he started to moan. The girl was scared, driving the car away out of the graveyard, she was even more scared because those things started to follow, the girl was a very unlucky girl.
There's the story, refrence to night of the living dead, also.
Rules:
[1] Anyway, basic rp rules, even though this Is horror, no saying stuff like "Anna, your leg Is cut bleeding very hard the blood Is gushing!" big no to that, simply just say anna had a cut on her leg or something.
Sign up Sheet:
...
Can you see how much quicker it is to find information now? The large, bolded titles can be easily seen. You can also do other things, such as underlining or making the font bigger for the paragraph titles, although on a thread this size the bolded font works fine.
Grammar & Spelling:
To be quite frank, your grammar is terrible. I'm going to go ahead and assume that English isn't your first language, because the grammar is simply all over the place. You capitalize without needing to, you combine statements, and your sentences make very little sense sometimes. This makes it so hard for readers, because they can misinterpret what you mean. It also makes you look very noob-ish and people are a lot less likely to join your thread, because many people equate the quality of grammar and spelling to the quality of the posts.
Plot:
Simply, each day could be hell or not, either way this girl had the hell, her day started good, but she had to see a graveyard because he friend needed to go there, they dropped flowers upon a grave that had the name of Sarah Plockings 1956-2009 her mother got sick and died, they saw this woman pass by, about 60 to 50, her head had a huge cut as she walked by she bumped Into the girl's friend "Get out of my way, get out of my way" that woman screamed, "Mom?" the girl replied the woman walked away with her pale skin, her eyes were full of dust, the two girls heard moaning they saw another pale person, but male the male attacked, even though they got away, one was bit by the crazy male, the friend was bit by that man she passed out while that happened she got her to the car and put her In the front seat, another man came out In a suit he looked scared what not, the girl screamed asking If he knew what was going on, he started to moan. The girl was scared, driving the car away out of the graveyard, she was even more scared because those things started to follow, the girl was a very unlucky girl.
There's the story, refrence to night of the living dead, also.
Rules:
[1] Anyway, basic rp rules, even though this Is horror, no saying stuff like "Anna, your leg Is cut bleeding very hard the blood Is gushing!" big no to that, simply just say anna had a cut on her leg or something.
Sign up Sheet:
This is your updated thread. You're spelling is mostly on the dot, but the grammar just is choking up the thread. Again, this is still a functional thread, and people will join it, but on much larger forums they have higher quality standards and the poor spelling would most likely just get the thread locked and deleted. So here is your thread, now with updated formatting and updated grammar.
Plot:
Every day can be hellish, or it can be fine. However, this girl's life was always hellish. Her day started good, but she had to see a graveyard because he friend needed to go there. They dropped flowers upon a grave inscribed, "Sarah Plockings 1956-2009," the girl's mother. Her mother had gotten sick and passed away [amount of time] ago.
While they were in the graveyard they saw this woman shuffle by, she was about fifty to sixty years old. Her head had a huge cut that looked pretty life-threatening. As she walked by the woman bumped into the girl's friend. "Get out of my way, get out of my way!" the woman screamedl "Mom?" the girl asked. The woman continued walking, and the girls noticed her pale skin, and eyes coated in dust. The two girls then heard moaning; another pale-skinned person was approaching them. The person, a man, began to chase after them. They got away, but the girl's friend was bitten by the crazy man and passed out.
The girl dragged her friend back to the car and put her in the passenger seat. Meanwhile, another man came out of the graveyard in a suit with a scared look on his face. The girl screamed, asking if he knew what was going on. But as the man shuffled towards the car he started to moan. The girl, now scared, slammed the gas pedal to the floor and shot out of the graveyard. She was a very unlucky girl.
So there's the story. It's a reference to Night of the Living Dead.
Rules:
1. Basic RP rules.
2. No excessive gore, even though this is a horror RP (i.e. no saying stuff like, "Anna, your leg is sliced open and gushing blood all over the floor!" That is a big no. Instead say something like, "Anna cut her leg."
Sign up Sheet:
See how much easier that is to read and understand? The grammar isn't perfect, but it's night and day compared to the previous post. Now it looks like a real, official RP that has a lot bigger of a chance of getting people to join.
Now, I have to go, but I will be back to talk about the plot, the sign up sheet, and the characters. Good luck!
Poohbomber
08-23-2010, 01:14 AM
Dude, what the hell? Why would you do this to someone else's post? This is so out of line. You just don't do this. It is impolite as hell and is unimaginably rude. And what right do you have that makes you think that you can do this? You aren't the epitome of proper posters yourself.
Uh, excuse me, Nova?
She's ten.
Of course her grammar isn't the best.
I understand you're trying to help but it's the way she types -- and she's not the best at organization either.
As Pooh said, this is just screwed up. You don't do this to a ten year old.
Ivernus
08-23-2010, 01:29 AM
@Nova: You got some good advice in there but...considering changing the tone of your post. It comes across as...arrogant, and I doubt you intended it that way (or atleast hope you didn't). Constructive Critisim is always good but just try not to be overly blunt, as reading your post, it also seems like a personal attack of sorts and re-reading I know that wasn't your aim for it. Its good advice and it would have taken some thought as well but just.. change the tone of the post if you could, it really does just come across the wrong way as its written now.
Edit: Two people ninja posted me -.-, anyway don't feel like we're ganging up on you, we all just felt we needed to explain the problem XD.
@Amy: I do have to agree with Nova, titles and better spacing would make reading the post alot better and as posts get bigger avoiding massive walls of texts while always make readers happy XD.
screwbaII
08-23-2010, 01:47 AM
Man, I am blunt but this just takes the cake. There's a fine line between constructive criticism and being a jerk, and you pretty much crossed it.
I'm going to go ahead and assume that English isn't your first language
You probably shouldn't make assumptions like that, as it's been said Amy is in fact 10. So before you go ripping people's posts apart with a stuck up attitude, maybe you should consider the possibility you are speaking to a child, rather than assuming they are your age just with language deficits.
on much larger forums they have higher quality standards and the poor spelling would most likely just get the thread locked and deleted
The issue here is that bunni forums isn't a large forum, nor is it even an rp forum. She isn't going and posting threads on large rp forums, and for this forum the quality is more than accepted. I'm not saying it's perfect or that it doesn't need improvement, I agree that work can be done on it. It's just she didn't ask to have her post criticised by everyone, she asked if people would like to join her rp idea, and while some helpful tips on making it better are ok, completely ripping someone's post apart and pointing out every single tiny grammatical error is a bit excessive don't you think?
The point is this forum is a small one where we all know each other. You're new and you need to understand that we're far more lenient about stuff like post structure and rping for us is more for fun and interacting as friends than being serious hardcore rpers, so we don't care what it looks like, only that it is functional, which you yourself said it was.
I had no problem at all reading this. But the main reason we have a problem with this Iverns, is that he/she/it used an inappropriate attitude when they were writing their post.
That's pretty much what he was pointing out. The attitude is terrible.
novapirate
08-23-2010, 02:16 AM
Dude, what the hell? Why would you do this to someone else's post? This is so out of line. You just don't do this. It is impolite as hell and is unimaginably rude. And what right do you have that makes you think that you can do this? You aren't the epitome of proper posters yourself.
I'm sorry, I didn't know she was 10. Calm down. I was just trying to help someone make better posts by pointing out her mistakes and trying to help her. It's not "so out of line." It's me trying to give someone constructive criticism to help them make better posts. I know I'm not the most proper of posters, I never said I was. I was just pointing out mistakes so she can fix them. If you could possibly give me specific examples of what I did wrong?
Ivernus
08-23-2010, 03:39 AM
Alright I'll try to explain the issue. The main problem people have with it (or so I believe) is...the attitude the post conveys. The advice itself is sound and helpful but that way you put it across really gets under peoples skin. The main issue with the internet is that due to the lack of the body language, people can intepert what you say very differently from what you mean.
Ill try to use some examples to better demonstrate the point. Using the opening paragraph
Alright, so I'm assuming this is your first time making an RP thread. Good for you! Now to the bad part: this isn't a very good RP thread. There's a lot of errors with it, and I'm going to methodically go through them and tell you what you did wrong, and how to fix it. Bear with me here, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to help you.
The first issue is the 'Good for you!' part. Im sure you meant that as positive reinforcement but when combined with the first sentence, it almost comes across as a sarcastic remark. Perhaps something along the lines of "Well thats a good start but there are some areas you could improve in" would remove that chance intepretation of sarcasm.
Second point, unless a person has said they want constructive critisim no matter how bad, avoid using NEGATIVE sentences. To use an example again "Now to the bad part: this isn't a very good RP thread." is a negative sentence and comes across as overly harsh. To get the same point across in a positive manner you could write something like:
"Now after reading through the post, I think theres a few areas you could improve in which I believe may make the post better." This still implies that the post needs some work but doesn't come across as harsh as before, perhaps even appearing encouraging. Using positive sentences like this make your comments more genuine, make people less likely to lash out at them and overall are better received.
Now for one more point, the last part of the paragraph. While overall this is well written compared to the others, one part that makes you seem arrogant is "and I'm going to methodically go through them and tell you what you did wrong, and how to fix it". The issue may be hard to actually see when writing it because it creates an underlying implication that this is the BEST or ONLY way to fix the post, which would be silly and arrogant to think. This could be easily fixed by just adding "and I'm going to methodically go through them and tell you what I think could be improved, and how I think you couldfix it". The idea here is, you point out what you THINK is wrong and how you THINK you can fix it. Removes the arrogance from it and makes you seem far more thoughtful. It's always good to make sure you state something is only YOUR opinion and not a fact.
The rest of the post has similiar issues, theres this undercurrent of arrogance simply due to a poor word choice/composition and undermines all the effort you put into that post, because the advice in it IS good. And I do feel sorry that everyone did kind of gang up on you but, the BunniBunni community is very protective of our own and the post did just seem mean when it really shouldn't have.
I hope that helps and that I explained it well, sometimes I feel I only make sense to myself XD
Poohbomber
08-23-2010, 01:38 PM
It makes perfect sense Ivernus. I wasn't picking on you just because you are new or anything Nova, it's just that some of your posts have an undercurrent of arrogance, like Ivernus said, or sometimes it seems like you meant to put an attitude of 'I am better than you.' All I ask is for you to at least try to either have posts without any emotion or try to make it seem less like you think you are above us or that your way is the only way. I hope that this doesn't happen again.
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