PDA

View Full Version : Of Storms and Storm-birds


RohannaFalcon
08-01-2010, 02:18 AM
Tapping my pencil against my teeth, I stared at the stark black and white sheet of paper. Useless!!!! If only I didn't have school tomorrow, I could take a break from this and finish my science report. My laptop was on full charge and was still storing up extra power, but there was no chance of a freak spring snowstorm to pile drifts on my school.
A low rumble of thunder distracted me and brought my thoughts to the wind-storm we had last year. The school's power had been out for a whole week, and nobody had been able to go to school. I frowned and sat up a little straighter, thinking hard. Placing the pencil carefully down, I pushed my chair back and stood slowly, staring through the door of the dining room and out the west windows.
Bad weather always comes from the west, I could hear someone say... Oh, yeah. It was Mr. Huff, a kind park ranger who had run a summer camp for many years that dealt with living without people in a wild place.
Sure enough, past the huge bulk of a tree that scored the sky with its branches, the sky was swollen with heavy, purple-gray clouds. They bulged underneath as if the rain could barely be held within the damp confines of the thunderhead. As I watched, lightning lanced down from the sky and struck somewhere close by. The light faded as the wind picked up and drove the storm closer, shutting away the sun.
This was great! I leaped forwards and raced out of the dining room, through the living room, past the kitchen and into the sunroom, which at the moment was not very sunny. The birdfeeder, hanging plants, wind chimes, and other odds and ends on the trellis were swaying in anticipation, but the storm had yet to unleash its fury. I wrenched the porch door open and threw the screen door open, not caring as it slammed behind me. Running out into the middle of the deck, I held my arms out and wiggled my fingers in the still air. I could practically feel the electricity hanging there, waiting to feel the lightning scorch the sky and the wind break the air into a thousand shards and eddies. The clouds above me were just hanging there, like a lumpy upside-down blanket, only far more sinister.
I giggled. Perfect! Farther away I could just see the tops of the transformers that lined the highway. Narrowing my eyes, I looked back up to the storm to see tiny birds wheeling before the wind's gust, their sleek bodies taming the small breezes to their will. Outstretched wings formed a dark sooty crescent moon, and I widened my eyes, then laughed. Scientifically, they were called Chimney Swifts, a type of swallow, but they could actually connect to storms in a deeper way- they were the very birds of the air. They barely had any legs or feet, because they spent so much of their time flying. I called the Storm-birds.
They wheeled and pivoted on the storm's breath, twittering their happiness into the ominous sky. The wind blew my hair slightly and I gave a slight smile as the sky tensed, then cracked the air with lightning. It split the sky in half, lancing from behind the huge tree over my head and to the other side of my house. At the same second as the lightning ripped the sky, a barrage of rain was unleashed from the thunderheads and lashed against the house. A few shingles were ripped from the roof as the wind clawed at the frail man-made structure. However, not a single drop of water touched me.
Concentrating on the transformer, I sent my thoughts high above me into the storm. Many people think storms are caused by the sky being angry, or mad about something, or upset and crying. But I know storms are a whole different thing entirely. They take the greatest joy in throwing lightning through the air. Rain, both pattering gently on the trees and whipping through the air like so much gravel, is something they take great care to throw just the way the storm wants it to.
Tapping into the storm's fierce joy, I let it know that yes, as a matter of fact, I could hit this transformer. I moved one hand up and pointed out the exact transformer and I could feel the storm's interest follow my finger, then leap away like a wolf chasing a new, better piece of prey.
Lightning rent the sky and the world flashed white as the storm hit the power lines again and again. I smiled as I felt the power blow out and laughed into the sky, then ran inside to eagerly await the darkness that would surely come.
The storm assured me the power would stay out once cut. They soaked up the electricity that pervaded the air from the broken lines, and no team in their right minds would attempt to fix the lines in this weather. I unplugged my laptop from the wall and took the plug out, coiling up the cord and stowing it back int the computer case. I counted down the seconds as the storm did and suddenly, the house was plunged into darkness.
For a moment, my eyes were blind. Then they began to adjust to the blackness of a human dwelling without electric lights, and I grinned in triumph as lightning flashed outside again. The storm threw rain, wind, hail, even tree leaves, twigs, and the occasional branch at the house, shuddering the roof or walls and making me jump.
Heh. No doubt the people would wonder why the storm had struck the transformer- it certainly wasn't the tallest thing around. I smiled and sat back on the couch with my laptop and emailed all my friends.
Sender: RohannaFalcon
Receiving parties: Ariel <watergirl@failingmail.com>, Fate <jjjchan@failingmail.com>, Esta <starbaby@failingmail.com>, Sam <wolfcyborg@failingmail.com>, Lyanaka <bloodandshadows@failingmail.com>
Message:
Hey all! Power's out, how about that? No school tomorrow! Heh heh heh.....

thebunni15
08-01-2010, 03:55 PM
Maybe you should not have put the bold parts in.

screwbaII
08-02-2010, 02:46 AM
There's one problem with emailing people when the power is out... you don't have internet because routers are powered by electricity, so if the power is out so is your internet. Unless of course you're on dial up, which by the sounds of it by sitting on the couch with a laptop, you're on wireless, which in fact wouldn't be working.

Or does the internet work differently where you are? Coz I know for a fact neither broadband OR wireless works when the power is out here. So yea, unless you had a generator, and all your friends had generators, you couldn't send and email and they wouldn't receive the email until they could get back on the internet. Just because it's a fantasy story it doesn't mean you can skimp out on details of real things in it like this, even fantasy stories obey the rules of reality in some respects, especially if they are based off real world stuff (like how electricity and appliances work). If the power goes out, so does everything that is powered by it, there are no 'exceptions' unless you can somehow power them yourself or through something like a generator (even if you read sci-fi, and fantasy fiction novels you will see that especially in places where events happen on earth itself, stuff still works the same way whether there is a zombie apocalypse or not).

Just be aware of details like this when you're writing, otherwise your storyline will be full of plot holes and people won't be very satisfied with the story. It would be like telling a joke where you miss the significant part of the climax that makes the punchline funny. You're the only one who will laugh and get it, and everyone else will just look at each other confused and feel that listening to you was a waste of time.

I don't have much else to say other than break up your paragraphs a bit with either spaces between them or paragraph indents so it doesn't look like a huge wad of words. I also don't understand the whole point of the story, if this is an introduction and the rest is coming later, then you're not really introducing anything except that you can control lightning in storms or something. You have good imagery and descriptions, but that's kind of pointless if there isn't a plot to describe.

Btw, I'm a critical thinker and I believe progress comes from learning from your mistakes, so don't take the criticism in a negative light, but think of it more as help. I wish people would criticise my work more so I could improve but all I get told is that it's good when I know it's not, so I tend to be highly critical of my own work as well, not just everyone elses. So really all I'm trying to say is, don't have a cry because I said bad things about your story, take the bad things and make them better, don't just pretend your story is good when it's not.

RohannaFalcon
08-03-2010, 12:33 AM
The bold parts I checked to make sure there wasn't actually an email system called failingmail.

And yes, actually, when the power goes out at my house the internet still works if my laptop is charged, so I'd still be able to access email. I've actually sent emails with the power out using a laptop. Yeah, we do have wireless on all the laptops.

screwbaII
08-03-2010, 01:24 AM
I think you missed the point. Go to your router or whatever you use to connect to the internet right now and see whether it is plugged into the wall. If it is, it uses power, if not then I'm sorry I searched the net for something that didn't run on electricity that could connect to the internet and the closest thing I found was something that runs on solar power that is still in production, and you must possess technologies that no one else does.

Quite simply, your laptop doesn't connect directly to the internet, your laptop connects to the internet via an external source in the form of a modem or router or whatever the hell else there is to use, through an ISP. This external source is powered by electricity. Without electricity it doesn't work. Regardless of it being a wireless or not.

Could someone please correct me if I'm wrong? Because I looked this stuff up on the net to find out myself exactly how computers connected to the internet and this is what it told me, and I couldn't find anywhere anything that said otherwise. I'm pathetically stupid when it comes to the internet so if I'm wrong I'm sorry, I'm not an IT student. It's just from personal experience I know the net doesn't connect if the power is out unless I hack someone elses wireless that's power is not out. And yes I have wireless on my laptop, regardless of if my laptop is charged or not wireless does not work if the electricity it out.

Thanks to kittens for confirming this, I feel better now.

kittenlazars go mew mew
08-03-2010, 01:53 AM
No, you're right. The internet routers themselves use eneergy, so it's not possible to have internet duing a black out, unless, of course, you're near an internet broadcast tower.

RohannaFalcon
08-03-2010, 05:36 AM
Well then, I must be. Near a tower, I mean.

Fine fine fine, I will change it! This is just something I wrote for fun, sheesh. I'm not even going to use it at all. And apparently the writing's no good either.

screwbaII
08-03-2010, 08:50 AM
No need to go all emo over it, you learn from critics, not from people telling you you're good. It's really unsatisfying when everyone just tells you you're good and doesn't give you anything bad to work with. Trust me. Just look at my last story, no one has said anything bad about it and I practically made it up in an afternoon. Hell I criticise myself to no end about anything I do because no one else really does.

I told you the good points - you have a good use of imagery and descriptiveness, and I told you your bad points - you have no discernible plot which makes the story quite meaningless, and you need to pay attention to detail. What you NEED to do rather than saying your writing sucks (which in a way is true in some respects) is take what people say sucks and make it better, not just think it sucks and leave it at that, and bitch and cry over how everyone hates your work. I don't hate it, I actually enjoyed reading the descriptiveness, but it was meaningless in the end when the introduction took the plot nowhere. As I said, it's like you're telling a joke and you missed the part that makes the punchline funny. A plot is critical to a story and without it, the story is meaningless. Maybe you just need to make the plot more obvious or something.

Mii
08-03-2010, 05:58 PM
Actually, there is a way to connect to the internet wirelessly without a modem -- anywhere at almost any time. I'm sure it works with other phones, but if you connect a Droid phone that gets internet where ever it gets service to a laptop, the laptop gets internet as well. :3 You just have to have the right cabel for it.

musicislife
08-09-2010, 04:38 AM
Overall I liked it. Ignoring the whole electricity blah.

RohannaFalcon
08-09-2010, 02:19 PM
I guess.

Thanks, musicislife.

There's not supposed to be a plot to this, its just a random thing in a series of practice writes that I do. My actual book has a lot of nice stuff in it and there's a power-out bit, so I'll keep the laptop thing in mind.