Expired Milk

[Mii]

This obviously is a Vocaloid fanfic. I wrote this one a couple weeks ago -- I'm working on a new one right now. Of course it's romancey, and the thing is, it's ACTUALLY somewhat realistic. Haha. xD The '--' separates the point of views; the first is Miku's, second is Kaito's. <3 Enjoy!

"Kaito-chan~"

"Ah, Miku! Did you want something?"

"I'm hungry. Cook me something."

"But I cooked for you yesterday..."

"I thought you loved watching me eat stuff you make."

"Well, yeah, but..."

"Then make me something!"

"I'm not gonna get out of this, am I?"

"Nope~"

I skipped happily down the stairs and sat happily at the dining room table. And stupid little Kaito simply watched like he was mesmerized. Haha, what a stupid little kid.

"Okay, then..." he began, "what would Miku like today?"

"Hmm...Taiyaki."

"Taiyaki?" he questioned.

"Yes. Taiyaki with a chocolate filling."

"Okay then..."

I wonder how he feels.

Kaito's a good kid, I admit that, and because he's head-over-heels in love with a brat like me I thought I'd take advantage of that because, really? I hate doing housework, I hate cooking too. I hate pretty much any kind of work. So since Kaito and I are roomies (we have been for a few years), he basically gets me whether he wants me or not. Boom. There's his reward. So I assume he has to work for it, too.

I watched Kaito stir happily at the taiyaki mix, humming happily. I smiled at the fact that he was so...well...upbeat, smiling... even though I treated him like a slave.

I kind of felt guilty for a second.

Nah -- I don't love Kaito. I'm not crushing on him either. He just happens to be a guy and I happen to be a girl and sometimes girls stare at these "guys" and maybe get mesmerized by the way they move and the perfection of their facial features and the way their hair sways hypnotically in the wind...

Oh god, what am I saying?

"Taiyaki done yet?" I squeaked, bounding up to Kaito eagerly.

"Nope. I still have to find some chocolate filling. Why don't you find a snack in the fridge in the mean time?"

"Ugh. Fine." Turning away, obviously annoyed, I took his suggestion to thought and looked through the fridge. Maybe I could have some milk...I think I shall. I took the big milk jug and drank a big gulp.

"Oh, and Miku, I have to run to the store. Since it's across the street it shouldn't take me long."

"Okii~ When will my taiyaki be done?"

"Oh. Well, I was gonna finish it when I got home." Slipping off his apron, Kaito replaced it with his jacket and scarf. "I'm off."

"Okay, Kaito-neechan~"

For some reason, Kaito seems to like being called "Kaito-neechan".

It's kind of weird.

I waved adorably, putting on my "childish" facade in front of him. As he shut the door, I immediately went up to the taiyaki mix and had a taste. "Mmm...so sweet~! Kaito-neechan knows me really well."

And suddenly, my stomach started to turn. I immediately ran to the bathroom, instead of the sink next to Kaito's little cooking station.

And KERSPEW! The toilet had soon become a pool of blurry water. There were some white chunks in there...

White...and creamy...
That's what was in the toilet...
Like expired milk.

Wait a second.
I shot up and rushed to the fridge, immediately grabbing the milk.
And I found the date.
And whaddya know, it was expired.

So...I sat next to the door.

And thought about Kaito, coming back happily and grinning.

His perfect face...

He...really likes me, doesn't he?

I felt bad for being so mean...

Maybe...just maybe...I...love him...?

--

"Miku-chan! I'm home!"

"Kaito-neechan..."

What was that?

Was...was that Miku?

It sure did sound like Miku.

But...something was wrong...
And her voice was awfully close.

"Miku-chan?" I shut the door behind me.

"Kai...to..."

I felt a hand grab my ankle.

And as I turned, the familiar green pigtails came into view.

And the green pigtails carressed a desparate looking face.

"Welcome home," she muttered as she put on a light smile.

"What happened? Are you alright?"

"Milk...expired..." And she suddenly shot up, rushing to the bathroom, hands clasped over her mouth as her cheeks puffed up fast.

I saw her run down the hallway and heard a muffled splashing sound. It sounded more gooey than splashy...

The toilet flushed, and Miku walked down the hallway looking like she was about to fall. She held her stomach with a look so sad and helpless on her face that it made ME want to cry.

"Miku!" I sped over to her and held both of her shoulders gently, trying to keep her standing, and led her to the couch as she slowly laid down.

"You alright?"

"Get me a trashbag..."

So I got her a trashbag as she threw up, again and again.

Seeing her like this...made me ache so much.

Yeah, I love Miku. Yeah, she can be a selfish brat.

But making her happy is what I live for these days.

So...to see her like this...

Is like a failure...

Of life itself.

"Kaito, I'm tired..."

"Do you want a pillow and blanket?"

"No pillow..."

"Why no pillow?"

"Just no pillow..."

"Okay. I'll go get your blanket then."

"No...Not my blanket..."

"Not your blanket?"

"Your blanket."

"Why mine?"

"Just cause..."

"Okay."

So I ran up the stairs as Miku threw up again, although it didn't seem as much as the other times. Maybe she had gotten all the milk out of her system. I, quickly as possible, threw off my coat, scarf and shoes, and got my blanket. Then, as fast as my legs would allow, I sped back to Miku, who looked half asleep.

Covering her up, she smiled lightly, and I walked back to my room to change into more comfortable pants. I decided to wear my brown sweatpants and a white t-shirt -- so I slipped those on and quickly went back downstairs.

"Kaito-chan..."

"Yes, Miku?"

"Sit..."

"Um...Okay."

So I sat, but she did not. She rose up.

"Now, take off your shirt."

"What!?"

"I said, take off your shirt."

"Uh...o...kay?..."

...So I took off my shirt.

"You want to use it as a pillow?"

"No," she answered firmly as she stepped toward me, wrapped in my blanket.

"...Do you WANT a pillow?"

"Yeah." Another step.

"Shall I go get you one then?"

"I don't need a real pillow," she said as she stepped even closer, "when I have you."

And then the one thing I never thought would happen actually happened.

She...sat on my lap.

And wrapped her arms around my neck.

"You're warm...and...I'm so cold..."

"I know..." I mumbled, covering her with my blanket as she laid against me. I hugged her gently, so as not to disturb her currently weak stomach.

"I know I've been a selfish, spoiled little brat all these years, Kaito..."

"I can put up with it."

"...But the truth is, I don't want you to see me like that."

"You use me and you expect me not to see you like that?" My voice broke ever so slightly.

"I...was thinking of you lots when you were gone today...like how if I hadn't drank the milk, then...then you could've finished my taiyaki and then...this whole cycle would continue...but I don't want to be like that anymore." I heard her voice crack and she lifted her head to me, her large aquamarine eyes reflecting the only thing that mattered to her right now.

Me.

"I...we...we wouldn't be like this right now if I hadn't been so ignorant." Her eyes were filled with tears, and they were also streaming down her face. Her beautiful, perfect face... "So I guess it's a good thing it happened, eh?" Her voice was wobbly; I couldn't hold back my tears anymore either.

"Mi...ku..."

I hugged her tighter.

"You're lying again, aren't you?"

I knew she wasn't.

But I needed to hear it from Miku herself.

"Kaito...no...I won't be like that anymore."

She buried her face into my chest as I kissed the top of her head before resting my cheek against it.

"Kaito...I...love you...but...do you love me too? Even after...all I've done to you?"

"Don't you know who you are?"

"Huh?" Miku raised her head.

"You're my 'number one Princess in the world!' Of course I still love you..."

Miku giggled and laid against me again.

"I kind of want to go sleep in a bed now..."

"Okay. Shall I carry you to your room, my princess?"

"No...not my room...yours."

Wait...what?

"Mine?"

"Yes."

"Bu-"

"Hush. I'm the princess, right? And you have to obey my orders. So carry me to your room. Plus, I'm sick -- all the more reason to do it." She grinned, knowing she had won.

"Argh, fine."

So, I picked her up bridal style and led her into my dark room, blanket and all. I laid her head on a pillow and the rest of her on the bed itself. "I'll finish the taiyaki if you want."

"Screw the taiyaki," she muttered. "I only want you right now. Get in bed."

"O...okay...um..."

Climbing into bed, she threw part of the blanket over me and pulled herself much closer.

"You're going to be my heater...okay?" She smiled -- it was caring and painful.

"Okay."

So I held her close, warming instantly. Her face was clouded with innocence after a while. Kissing her forehead, I watched her sleep until I drifted off as well.

"Sleep well, princess."

[Saya67257]

So I sat, but she did not. She rose up.

"Now, take off your shirt."

"What!?"

"I said, take off your shirt."

"Uh...o...kay?..."

...So I took off my shirt.

LOOOL.

Very nice fanfic, Mii x3 !!!

[Sbacity_Boy]

At first when you started talking about the barfing and spoiled milk I thought "Oh great." but then I kept on reading and I got to the emotional and seriously I almost felt like crying. In other words you did a fantastic job on it I love it.

[screwbaII]

I should have stopped when I saw that it would be romancey. The only thing I related to was the barfing.... and this will be pretty critical because that's just how I am, I like to tear things apart and point out the flaws, because fixing the mistakes is the only way to improve, no point on perfecting the things that are already perfect.

Writing style was ok, I liked the viewchange swap idea. Whether it worked or not is debateable. I felt you released the characters emotions for each other too soon. That would be ok if you weren't writing more, or if this was just a short story or something, but I think you said you were writing a new one, but not sure if it is on the same thing or not.

Obviously i don't know what this is a fanfic of, nor have I probably ever seen or heard of it, so I probably don't get it... but this story sounds like a kink. That's really all my mind drifted to while reading this, and it's not even the kind I would really like to read. If you're going for the whole dominatrix type feel though... yea, it's getting there, otherwise I think it needs less girl treating guy like slave. You want romancey, you need more equality, at the moment it's like nnyyyeeehhh, the imbalance is too severe, and more like as I said previously...

Anyway something I did sort of like was the situation that changed her way of thinking, however I don't think people reaaally change that fast. It should have been more of a spark and a gradual thing than a blurting out I love you kind of thing. Especially when she was in denial, and saying that she didn't love him. If you're in denial you are even less willing to admit things, and more stubborn about the topic, and to me she felt far too malleable about it. In other words the girl really lacked any depth to her character because she was inconsistent. I mean you got how she perceived herself, and how she perceived him, her feelings, but there were just a lot of inconsistencies in the story. She was consistent up til the point she was like oh em gee I love you so much. The guy wasn't much better but at least he was consistent with his character and his emotions.

When you're going for romance there needs to be tension. Especially with the whole denial thing again. I really didn't feel anything there, I didn't really want to read on to see what happened next because you already told me what was going to happen halfway through it. If you want people to be enticed into your story you need the tension, you need characters that can go either way, so the story is somewhat unpredictable. The plot was just far too linear, and I feel the story was resolved at the end, there were no problems or carry overs so if this was the end of it then good job, I feel like they lived happily ever after. The title gave the milk bit away which was probably the only thing that would have been surprising in it, and aside from that.... yea.

Then again as I said, I don't read a lot of fanfic, I have no idea about what the original was about. So if I am completely off about how fanfics are sposed to be then correct me. As I see it they are stories based off characters from an already existing story, but I really don't know anything past that.

Anyway, hope this constructive criticism worked, and I hope you keep at least some of these things in mind when writing in the future. You have a lot of potential to be really great at writing but you need to work on how the story unfolds and not reveal the whole story too soon, because that's really the difference between good writers and bad writers. Good writers sell because their stories have twists and turns, whereas if you just reveal everything at the start people get bored, the story is too predictable and there really isn't any reason to continue reading if you know what is going to happen. Keep working at it though, as I said you have potential you just need to work on your technique.

[Mii]

@_@ Thanks. Nobody's given me any advice so far -- it's either "I don't like fanfiction" or "it's really good". And I was writing a DIFFERENT fanfiction actually -- this was just a one-shot that I REALLY had to get down, and all of a sudden I felt like rereading this one and so I decided to post it because I thought it was better than my other ones. But I recently just had an idea for a new story but I'm going to lay out the plot first so it doesn't turn out like the other stories that I wanted to go on for a long time. So thanks for the advice, I'll keep that in mind. ^-^

[thebunni15]

o_o I really thought it was a drawing of expired milk.

[Riida]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ wut bunni said